workshop of Brian's paper (rough draft research paper)

Rough Draft #1 Workshop Questions
Overall
1. What do you like best about the paper? Be specific.
I really like the topic and how the author shows both sides of the debate. Also, I like all the facts the author uses, most of them were very interesting.

2. Email the author and ask for one particular concern that s/he had about the draft. Examine that area and see if you can offer the author helpful suggestions.
Brian said, “My biggest concern about the essay is that I did not put enough information in the paper. There are so much information that I did not want to over load the reader.”
My suggestion is that you add more information. The information you used in this draft was good. I am sure that you can decide which information is relevant to your thesis and which is not, and go from there and incorporate the information into your paper.

Thesis
3. Does the author clearly express his/her opinion of the topic in the thesis? What argument does the thesis make?
The thesis for this paper is Although bottled water presents the illusion of a high quality healthy product, the benefit and production process has generated great concern because of the quality differences between bottled water and tap water, the production costs of bottled water compared to tap water, and damage to the environment. I think the author’s opinion that is expressed in the thesis is that bottled water consumption “generates great concern“ which may not be what the professor is looking for. I would advise him to double check and see if his thesis is correct just to be sure. The thesis states the counter argument to the assumption that bottled water is healthy and of high quality; it also states the environmental concerns associated with bottled water consumption.

4. What group of people agrees with the author? What group disagrees with the author?
People who care about where their water comes from and the quality of their water would agree with the author’s concern. The people in disagreement with the author either are apathetic to the topic, or believe that people do not need to be concerned about their water supply or the affects of the mass consumption of bottled water.

5. Does the paper have an argumentative thesis statement using ALTHOUGH and BECAUSE?
Yes.

Content
6. On a scale of 1 to 10, how interesting did you find this paper to read? Be brutally honest! (Friends don’t let friend turn in boring essays!)
I found this paper to be a 5 at the beginning, an 8 at middle, and a 5 at the end. I think the introduction was a little deflated, the author can add so much more to it to make it really intriguing. Also, the conclusion ended with questions which was strange, it felt like there should have been more statements in the conclusion.

7.Where can the author more fully develop ideas, either by providing examples or explaining/clarifying concepts for the reader? Be specific (e.g. “the 3rd is dullsville”; “the conclusion is really vague”).
The third paragraph is slightly hard to follow and confusing. It is so jam packed with information. I like the information though, I would not suggest you remove any of it, but you could try to rearrange it in a more clear and flowing manner. The first time I read your paper, at the end of the third paragraph I had to stop and reread just too fully understand what it was saying.

8.What kinds of objections might someone who disagrees with the author’s point of view raise? If there are none, go back to #3.
Someone might object to the need for environmental concern, that is someone who disagrees might just not care about the environment. However most logical people are not like that, so maybe this means that author’s thesis is not clearly defined? Like I said before, it seemed fine to me, but the author should definitely get a second opinion on that.

9.Has the author dealt with these objections?
The author explains the harmful environment impact bottled water has as well as the economic impact.

10.Is the relationship between each paragraph and the thesis clear? If not, what suggestions do you have for the author to improve the connection?
I found each paragraph relevant to the thesis except the part where the author talks about the “USA Today, the CEO of Nestle Waters North America branch …” I’m not sure what benefit that had to the paper. The author might want to look of it just to make sure it is relevant to his argument and thesis.

Style
11. Are there easy transitions from one paragraph to the next, or does the author jump from topic to topic?
I think the transitions were clear and the essay flowed through them.

12. Does the opening of the essay capture the reader’s attention? How so? If not, what suggestions can you make that might strengthen the opening?
I have some problems with the opening paragraph. Out of all the paragraphs in the essay, the opening has the most obvious issues. “With bottled water, a person never has to refill; they can just discard the empty bottle and open a new cold one. With tap water, a person must first find a suitable container then fill it up; all the while hoping that the water reaches that perfect temperature eliminating the need to locate ice.” The argument against tap water just seems ridiculous to me! The author needs to revise the introduction and weed out some parts of it. I may be contradicting what I said before but I think if the author had a more straight forward, clear introduction the reader could better understand the argument of the thesis.

13. Does the concluding paragraph serve to bring the discussion to an end that logically follows from the thesis and its direction?
I do not like how the author ends the paper with questions. I think he should restate his argument and restate his thesis. Also, in the conclusion the author says as the opening line, “The debate over which is better tap water or bottled water can go on forever.” Is that what the paper is about? I’m confused! What ever happened to the three points from the thesis? I think the author need to work on the conclusion.

Research
14. How many different sources are cited in the paper (don’t look at Works Cited or References (depending if it's MLA or APA); look at the parenthetical citations. The medium does not matter.)
These are the works cited in the paper that I found, (so six.)
(EPA)
(FDA)
(21 CFR)
(PET)
(EBSCO)
(Milne-Tyte)

15. Does the author rely heavily on just 1 or 2 sources, or does the author equally use all of the sources to support the paper’s thesis?
The sources are spread throughout that paper, I would say that the in general the sources are equally used. The first three though, (EPA), (FDA), (21 CFR) are used more than the other three. The author might want to look this over and assess whether he needs more sources or not.

16. Does the author have more quotes in his/her paper than personal opinion?
The quotes and opinions seem to be balanced.

17. Are there any sources listed on the Works Cited or References that are not cited within the body of the essay? (This is a no-no)
No, all the works in the reference page (as far as I can tell) are cited in the paper.

18. Is all the information retrieved from research, including opinion, ideas, paraphrases, quotes, and statistics, cited with in-text (parenthetical) citations? If not, list specifics of what needs to be cited (friends don’t let friends turn in plagiarized papers).
In the first paragraph this piece of information was not cited:
“Consumers justify the consumption of bottled water with the rising concern for the quality of municipal (tap) water and the convenience of bottled water
The bottled water industry has become a 15 billion dollar a year industry and is expected to grow.”

Later in the paper this piece was not cited either:
“The cost of tap water can vary depending on the location and the type of water source available. The average household will pay about $.002 per gallon of tap water compared to between $1.00 and $4.00 per gallon for bottled water, the cost is more for imported water. The cost that a consumer pays for bottled water is not for the water alone, the price includes labeling costs, production cost and transportation cost; all of which makes bottled water very expensive. The cost of consuming bottled water is a choice that the consumer makes. The cost that the environment pays due to the production of bottled water is much steeper“.

19. All quotes in research papers should be commented upon. Does the author comment after every quote? If not, help the author decide what the underlying reason behind putting the quote in the paper was.
“Miracle in a bottle or just another tonic?” This quote from this introduction was not cited. I am confused to whether it is the authors own quote or not.

Brian's Blog: http://bhayes1220.blogspot.com/